


Could Have

by Rachy



Series: A Lady Knight or An Empress [3]
Category: PIERCE Tamora - Works, The Immortals - Tamora Pierce, Tortall - Tamora Pierce
Genre: Companion Piece, F/M, Goldenlake, Infidelity, Wistful Thinking, different POV, smackdown
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-20
Updated: 2013-05-20
Packaged: 2017-12-12 10:03:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 673
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/810324
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rachy/pseuds/Rachy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In an AU in which Kaddar marries Lianne and Kally becomes a lady knight, Kalasin considers what should have been and the price of dreams.<br/>Companion piece to Should Have.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Could Have

He could have been hers. She takes the should out of her thoughts and replaces it with could, but the jealousy she seeps through her heart and flows around her body with every breath she takes. 

She has only ever wanted one thing. Wanted it with all her heart and body and soul, ached for it and prayed for it and begged and argued and cried and ruined relationships for it. And she has it now.

But this seems a cost more than she can bear. She has borne the little costs, the pity pick for a squire by Uncle Gary when all the other contenders had been chosen, the fracture of her relationships with her father and her sister, the undercurrent that bogged her parents' relationships that had been absent throughout her childhood. She had never given her would be groom very much of a thought. She had, initially. And then again when her mother had told her of the betrothal arranged between Kaddar and Lianne. Again when she had received her first kiss from Nealan of Queenscove at a Midwinter Ball. Again when the rumors of war with Scanra stirred, and again as she watched Lianne's boat sail away. Again when she watched her father and Uncle Gary give her the talk before her Ordeal, and during her vigil most of all. It had only been because of those thoughts that he had appeared in her Ordeal itself, and every other time she had touched the door. It went the same sort of duty she had thought, and she did not think it was the same sort even now. Duty to make a good marriage because of the people who were her parents was not the same as duty to her country. Giving up an empire for a knighthood was a worthier pursuit. And if she thought of him more than she ought, then she could add it to her tally of costs from selfishly following her dreams. It was a fair price.

 

But there was cost and then there was a price. And she may have been a fool to think that being squire to the Prime Minister because despite her status as a Princess, no one had chosen her, and she was a fool to think that was her price.

 

This was her price. This was her price. This is what she had given up. And she had not realized it earlier. She had not thought that he would be her price. Not this man. Not this kind, gentle man with warm eyes and a bright smile and a laugh that caused her to smile, if only because she heard his laugh and it was a beautiful sound. Not the man who looked to Lianne with soft touches and gentle smiles and rested his hand on the curve of her waist, his fingers reaching as though he could feel their child moving within her womb. 

 

Not the man who looked to her, his would have been bride, and started, and looks at her in a way that makes her feel like she is the only person to exist and like he forgets that he is wedded to another woman. Not the man that talks with her like he actually cares about her opinions and her views and debates on his policies with her like he does not care about her impropriety in bringing them up or his impropriety in responding instead of deflecting on their differing opinions. Not the man who shows her personally around his private gardens when she expresses the slightest interest or offers to go for a ride with her when she mentions her live for it in passing.

 

But he is a price she has paid. Already and without fully realizing it. This is her price for following what she thought was her heart but was more her dreams. But it seems her heart paid a price too, for she likes him and respects him. It seems she may have even could have loved him.


End file.
